When I first started dating my boyfriend, I scoured the Internet to find as much information as I could. I wanted to know what it was like to date someone in medical school. Would it just be a waste of time? Do these things ever work out?
The information I found was less than useful. “Date a medical student if you’re ok with never seeing your significant other.” Thanks for the warning.
Having said that, I have never felt neglected in my relationship. He makes time for me. I don’t feel like he is exceptionally busy, and we have been through several big tests since we met. It probably helps that I work full time and go to school part time. I am busy myself.
Next year might be a different story. He’ll be a resident then, working insane hours. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
The primary worry right now isn’t really how busy he will be but WHERE he will be. Residency matching is one of the most convoluted systems I have ever heard of. I really want to stay here, but that may not happen. I spent this afternoon researching the places he said he was interested in. Some seem ok. I’m still not thrilled with the idea of moving, but there are other places that have affordable nursing programs, and even competitive entry for ADN programs (usually BSN programs are competitive but ADN programs have long waiting lists).
I am calm now but I was freaking out a few hours ago. His application has to be in in just two short weeks. I didn’t realize it was so soon. If he ends up having to leave as a result of this crap process, I have two not-great choices: move with him or lose him. Ok, there is a third choice: long distance. But when does that ever work?
I’ll just keep hoping for the best. If he ends up here then all of my worrying was for nothing.
Thanks so much!! Everyone says dating a med student is hell, that it will never work out, that even if he’s a great guy I should consider breaking it off because things will get bad fast. He’s 2 weeks into his first year of med school, and we’re dating long distance, and I was glad to read things could go well
I’m just glad to be able to talk to him when he’s busy and stressed and cheer him up…or to send him cards to make him smile. And he DOES make time for me, whether it’s 10 minutes at midnight his time or two hours on the weekend. Thanks 
Hi Jen. I’m in the EXACT situation you are in now that you were in 2 years ago. How did it turn out? Are you still together? Do you have any advice for how to succeed in this new relationship I am in?
Hi KJ-
I hope that your relationship is going well. I am dating a 4 th year EM resident. Believe me it really does get easier. I met him the start of his 3rd year and now he’s just a few months till graduation. Some days are better than others.. it took me a few months to realize that when he wasn’t able to call or talk to me it wasn’t because he didn’t want to.. its that he’s just super exhausted. And just needed sleep. It’s hard when he works a overnight shift.. or works days upon days in a row. But always know that if he could be with you.. I’m sure he would be. He doesn’t want to spend 15 hours at the hospital.. or hours on end of studying.. but its just his life for now. It’s a temporary situation and it will get better. Make sure you have you friends too… and remember everyone needs down time. Hope this helps!!
To date someone who is a medical student is truly a different playing field that requires confidence, sacrifice, and more patience than a typical dating relationship. If your looking for a quality relationship like he or she is, they will take notice. If your looking to play by the dating rules such as calling for a Saturday night date by Wednesday, then forget it. Learn to appreciate the late night text or one minute phone call. Savor the quality face to face time listening to his or her stories of doing rotations while he or she shows interest in what you have been doing in the meantime. Yeah, the dates may seem rushed but he or she made time for you out of their busy day and likewise. I’m sure they would have wanted to catch up on sleep during that time.
The issue of moving to another state is tricky and can be emotionally draining. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over one year now-he’s a fourth year med student. We’ve been friends before he even started medical school. He is considering residencies all over the US and I had to approach him about our future and if there is even a chance of one for us. Thankfully, when I approached him, he already thought of that and almost assumed I would travel with him. I am willing to make the sacrifice and move to where he will go but did contemplate breaking up if he moved and just seeing if we would ever end back up together again. His career goals are very important to him and I would not want to get in the way nor would I want him to conflict with my career goals either. Of course, I don’t plan on making such a huge move without the commitment of marriage or at least an engagement. My story will not be like everyone else’s…everyone must create their own story but communicate with each other. Medical student or not- he or she is still a human with needs and desires to love and be loved like everyone else. They just have huge responsibilities, little sleep, and less leisure time. They just need support and patience from their loved one. Maybe that could be you. Good luck!
Thanks for this post. It helped me ALOT. I just started dating a 4th year medical student last wee.
I met him during his last week of his infectious disease and had a great passionate week. But now he is in another state doing 4 weeks of surgical rotation (day 2) and I have not heard from him nor text. I feel neglected and dumped.
But reading your blog makes me realize it is a different ballgame. I never dated a medical professional and it is new territory for me.
Thanks!
I have been dating my third yr med student for eight months long distance. Its been a challenge and we went over four weeks with no contact due to his stress level and lack of free time. Do not take it personal often its harder for them to keep in contact because it reminds them of what life they do not have whilst going through med school. With residency it should get easier if you are comitted and living with each other. Its a sacrifice worth making if you truly feel like you are right for each other.. Just try to keep busy, keep your own social life going and let them know you will not take it personal if you are not in contact as frequent, believe me they do think about you still all the time.
Good Luck
Absolutely no doubt that dating a medical student is a different playing field. Dating a med student requires much patience. My girlfriend is in her 3rd year and though it has taken a toll on our relationship even at a distance, we’ve found a way to make it work. Even if for a few moments, we talk daily which helps a great deal. My biggest concern is how will her residency be. Still doing research on it myself but hear it can be more of a test than her being a student. I have no regrets or will not say to not date someone who is in the med student area, but if you do, make sure you have a strong commitment with each other or it could pose stressful times for the two of you. If anyone has any input on residency, would greatly appreciate it. It would be either the end for her and I, or have me follow her to wherever it leads.
I’ve been with my boyfriend going about 6 months. He just got accepted into a medical school in pennsalvania. not to happy bout that since we are currently in arizona. I just wanna know if it truly is as bad as everyone makes it out to be? I trust him and love him and i know he will keep an eye on his studies only, we’ve made plans after he graduates in 3 years to get married during residency. I just never realized there were a lot of people going through what im going through. Its a relief actually!!!
heya! this post was really helpful! I have been dating my medic boyfriend for about 9 months now and he is just about to go into his second year. although we are both in the uk (he goes to Imperial College, London whilst i’m at drama school) I totally feel teh same! it is a huge sacrifice and it took me a while to realise how much effort has to go into it- but they have feelings and needs just like everyone else and deserve the chance to be in a lvong realtionship.
i admire his intelligence and dedication to his career, and he always makes time for me and actually it means i am never complacent becuase every moment with him is so special and loved! i have felt neglected at times but i think thats more my selfish attitude rather than him forgetting about me, as he says he contstantly thinks about me. med school here is a little different in that you don’t leave the school for residency, but he does go into his clinical years soon and he will basically live in the the hostpital haha.
i will stick by him becuase i know that is what he will need most and me leaving him would only hurt us both more than it would do us good. and in any case, I prefer to have my own independance and do my own thing, so him being really busy all teh time is actually quite convenient!
It’s always nice to know that other people are thinking the same things as you are.
My boyfriend is actually just about to start his first year of medical school in about 2 weeks. The process of getting there alone was a little nerve-wracking, because he applied to a lot of schools, and it came down to the school we go to now and a school in California. He decided to stay here, which, although I tried to be as supportive and unbiased as possible towards both schools (:P), I was of course happy about. But now that the worry of him leaving is over, I’ve found myself worrying a lot about our future together, instead. I’ve never been a particularly needy person, and I definitely have ambitions of my own. I am worried of reacting the way that a lot of people dating med students react, though, that being of feeling neglected.
We haven’t been dating for long, and I know that it’s not necessarily realistic to be talking about these kinds of things so early, but my boyfriend and I have talked about the idea of marriage and whatnot. He said, in a nutshell, that he doesn’t want to get married until he’s not only out of med school but also out of residency, and then not even until a year or two after that because he wants to make sure that he is financially stable enough to do so. All of that is totally understandable, and I don’t want to pressure him otherwise (I mean, you should never pressure a guy into marrying you, anyway. Haha.). I’m just afraid of what our relationship will become in those borderline 10 years. It’s a really long time to wait for someone, and I’m not ignorant to the fact that I’m just like anyone else and am susceptible to emotional neediness.
I want to compliment you on your view of this, and of the bigger picture. You seem to be really sensible and objective about dating someone who is in medical school and etc., and I think it’s great. I’m definitely going to try my best to be ambitious about my own goals, while being there for my boyfriend, as well.
I’ve been looking everywhere for some genuinue advice on dating a medical student. My fiancee (yes, we’re engaged) is in his fourth year of medical school. And I must admit. It’s been very hard. In the beginning, I was worried about the distance. He was studying all the time. It’s been almost two years, and he still studies a lot. But his schedule is getting lighter. Thank goodness. And with the wedding in six months, I’m only nervous about Match Day. Yeah, you can have an idea of where you want to go. But on that day, it’s one envelope, and that’s it. We’ll planning a wedding and waiting to find out where we’re live for the next 3 years or so. It’s the most nerve racking feeling ever. I have turned to bridezilla yet, but she’s lurking… LOL!!
Good luck everybody!
wow….I cannot believe how much I can relate to this message board.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend who is starting his fourth year of medicine. We had been dating off and on for three stressful years. currently he is going through a horrible rotation, working ridiculous hours and getting next to no sleep. As soon as this rotation is complete, he will be leaving to do other rotations across the country.
I love him to pieces and was willing to stick by his side, but he could not handle the added stress of being in a relationship he knew he couldn’t fully contribute to. Throughout the years, I tried to not feel neglected as I am a very independent person, however, it did get to me from time to time, and often he would get jealous of any guy who showed me attention, as he was unable to do the same.
The key to a successful relationship with a med student (or any relationship at that matter) is communication!! Be aware of how the other party is feeling at all times and dont make assumptions about anything. Be supportive, but don’t forget about yourself!! you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own needs and your life to be in this kind of relationship (even though it feels like it at times).
Right now, I feel lucky as I am able to start the grieving process and try and let go, however, he does not even have the time to do that yet! He has a major exam in a couple of weeks, and not until that is over will he even be able to think about the fact that we just broke up. Instead, he must focus on the books and block out the real world in true medstudent fashion. sigh.
This is a great post! I have been dating my 4th year medical student since his junior and my soph. yr of undergrad (5 years now). I have been with him through it all (…well almost, are you ever really done with a perfectionist/type-a medical student?) We have been through some tough times, specifically his second year of medical school when we were very close to ending our relationship. I think it was the hardest year for him with school and studying for his first set of boards and for me adjusting to life outside of college. Everyone always told him the next year it gets easier but I don’t think it has ever been easy. With any relationship they require work and sacrfices on both ends.
We have been doing long distance for the past 3 years going on 4 (medical school was in a different state) in my mind it was the best way to go. I won’t move for him unless I have a ring on my finger or it’s somewhere I would live regardless of if we were together. I talk to him almost everyday, except for a few times recently on a few surgery rotations. The time apart has allowed me to grow as my own person and be okay with being and doing things by myself. I have my own life and choose to incorporate him into my life but I don’t need him. I do make sure I fly out to see him at least once a month wherever he may be. I figure when we finally get married and start living together at least we will get to see each other every night rather than just talking on the phone.
Looking back one of the best things that we did (and still do) to keep our relationship going and healthy is after every set of blocks or between rotations we will plan a road-trip to somewhere new and fun. We try to not to mention anything medical (we talk about it enough during the other times) I think it forces him out of that funk and makes him realize he is a person and not a medical slave!
Right now he is under high stress as he is applying to programs. Match day this spring my life may finally have a direction, as for now I am enjoying the moment and the chaos that comes with dating a medical student. Who knows with my boyfriend once he conquers this goal he will be on to the next. But I still love him & will continue to support him, his drive is one of things I am attracted to. And who wants a lazy old dud anyway!!
I wish the best of luck to everyone. Keep positive about it all…
Hey everyone,
My girlfriend just started medical school this week, and I’ve already messed up pretty badly, sending her a ham-fisted email about how the two of us need to make more of an effort with our relationship. Heh, lesson learned; she took my head off for it and I’m suitably chastened.
She’s now come back to me saying she’s not sure about how she feels about the relationship, and has asked for space. Simultaneously, she has also told me that I always wait for her to contact her: this is sadly true, and an unfortunate throwback to my more single days.
A number of questions:
How do I give her space? I’m going to wait for her to calm down and contact me, as she’s on an accelerated med programme which more or less doubles the hours, so it’s a massive jolt to her system. Is this the right policy?
What’s the best way of showing support to a med student?
How do med students like to spend their free time?
I cannot believe how relevant this is for me! I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 9 months, 6 of which have been long distance with him in medical school. I saw him in August and probably won’t see him now until Christmas (when he comes home; I’m also in school and working part time, and he is too stressed and busy for a visitor during his semester!) He just started his second semester about a month ago; needless to say, things have gotten considerably more difficult for him, and for me too! I hate feeling this way, but I have been feeling neglected, and I don’t want to put the blame on him. I’ve let him know how I’m feeling but we haven’t really addressed it. I am being as supportive as i can be from a distance and I know he needs me right now. It’s just hard when sometimes all there is in terms of communication is a text a day. So thank you everyone for letting me know that I’m not the only one going through this and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! I love him to death; we’ve been friends for 9 years, and he was my first “boyfriend” when we were freshman in high school. We came back into each other’s lives at just the right time; he was applying to school when we started dating again, as was I (I’m going back for a second degree in music education after my first in vocal performance and acting). I want the best for him and his career, but also for us, and this forum has shown me that I need to be patient, compassionate, and understanding, and know that he loves me even when he’s too busy and stressed to talk. Hang in there, GFs and BFs of med students!
reading these posts made me feel so good
Just a little advice to those dating med-students…
Before jumping right in, know what you are getting into!!
I dated a med student for 3 years. I put a lot of myself into that relationship. I was very patient and encouraging, and made sure I would never come between him and the books. I’d often make him lunches before he left for the hospital, or write little encouraging notes. I’d go the extra mile any opportunity I had! I had the time to. They don’t. If you’re dating a med student, don’t expect all the little things you do for your significant other to be reciprocated BUT dont let them use med school as an excuse for never showing a little appreciation either! It only takes seconds to say “thankyou” or “i love you”.
Also BE WARNED: A lot of med students will stay with a bf or gf to hold their hand through med school, but dump them as soon as they are done! This is quite common!!
I found around exam time, my boyfriend would get “into the zone” and become a bit of an asshole, blocking out the real world, and acting as though I didn’t exist. He would become emotionally unavailable and push me away to the point of either a breakup or very close to one. Once the exam was over, he would feel as though he lost a part of himself on the paper, and would often become depressed and drink heavily (A LOT of med students do this following an exam), and then he’d become needy again. This cycle continued throughout all the years. Now, he has just started his fourth year, a year without exams and a lot more freedom. Now, he no longer needs me. He has more time to go out and socialize and mingle with friends and the opposite sex (something he was unable to do his first three years). I think he resented me through out the years because I had the freedom to do just that and he didn’t.
I can’t say ALL med students are like this, but some of this behaviour is common amongst them. they may need you to get through, but please, dont forget about yourself either!
Let me put a twist on this post. I am in a gay relationship dating a medical student. We are both gay males in our early 30′s and I can agree being the non med-student sucks in the relationship. We have been dating for 10 months and he is in his 2nd year of med school. No one warned me about what I was going to get into and I wish he would have came with a warning label.
We have gone through some rough times but we have managed to work through them. When we met we both fell in love and knew there was something special between us considering we both are complete opposites (i.e. he is Caucasian and I am Latino) but we (especially me) have managed to overlook the differences because it is true what they say, “opposites attract”. We have dated and been with other people before we started dating each other so we are at a point where we both are in agreement that we would want to settle down with each other.
In the beginning he was very persistant and charming by texting and calling a lot but as I gave in slowly and finally decided to date all that started to dwindle down. Now, I only get 2 to 3 texts max and 2 phone calls max per day but after reading everyone else’s posts I have realized that I am lucky and should be greatful that I get that from him. With that note I will try not to complain as much because I can see that he is making an effort.
We don’t live together we live about 25 miles away and in Los Angeles that is really nothing traveling on the freeway (considering the fact that we both still live within the Los Angeles county vicinity) so the distance isn’t a big issue but it sucks because when he is busy studying I can’t sneak a quick kiss or hug. Right now it is too early a stage to move in together but it does come up in conversation. Right now we choose not to move in together yet and seeing how his sleeping pattern is would cause some conflict between us because I work full time and I have to be at work at 6:45am where sometimes he goes to sleep at about 3 am. Then I hear those residency and rotation horror stories which makes me think I may never really get to be free from the weird hours he will have but it is a choice I have made because I feel that this is the ONE and I am willing to compromise as long as he is too.
Now, I am a needy person and I have never been so needy like I have been these last 10 months. I am a pretty much an independent person but for some reason I have lost that being in this relationship, it has messed me up emotionally(LOL!!), but it is not a bad thing it just makes learn more about myself. The one thing though that I have learned from reading everybody else’s posts is that I have forgotten about myself. I have been lazy and putting off studying for that GMAT and start applying to business schools which is something he always encourages me to do it and sees it as benefit because it will keep me occupied while he is busy with school and keep me on track towards my goals. I agree with him that I need to keep myself busy with established friends, work, and school but it is just hard when you sometimes had a hard day and you just want to be with that one person you love who will make all the bad energy go away.
So yes, dating a med student isn’t easy and will be a lot of work but if you really love that person then it should be worth it. It’s hard though when he is studying all the time and when he has free time he is trying to catch up on other stuff he needs to do like everyone else outside of med school. Even then, when we are spending time together he is on his laptop doing little projects he wants to get done that he hasn’t had a chance to do during the week, that is the life of dating a nerd and someone with OCD, it’s not all bad but it’s not always bells and whistles. Sometimes I think I may be a little too selfish and need to think about others, especially him and realize what he is going through. Wanting to be a doctor is his goal and dream, so I should be there to support and be there by his side like he says there just may be some rewards in the end of all this madness, who knows. lol!!
I am glad I ran into this post because it has given me a chance to see that I am not the only one going through this and it gives me some hope that this can work.
Good Luck everyone!! It just takes a lot of work and patience, believe me!!
Phew. I feel a bit better.
I started dating a third year. He just finished his two weeks of internal medicine rotations and next week starts four weeks of surgery. According to him, “hell,” and I can tell he’s freaked out and doubting himself the whole way.
I don’t call him much. He doesn’t call me often, but he calls me when he can. Sometimes it’s a voicemail message. Sometimes it’s a 20 min call. Sometimes I won’t hear from him for days or even a week. But it felt fantastic that he called ME after a 29 hour on-call.
My friends don’t get it. They’ve pitched me the “he’s just not that into you.”
No, he’s a med student and I have to remind myself everyday.
I try to be a supporter, a cheerleader and his encouragement. When he turns the card over to me, I say, “wait. How are YOU doing? Tell me about those rotations!”
It’s tough, but that’s life. No one said life was would be easy.
And I keep thinking, “if this works out, then I could be that woman in his corner, backing HIM up.” God, I hope I’m THAT woman.
They need our support, ladies. Just hang in there!
Wow. I feel so much better, ladies. thanks.
I am a medical student in the Caribbeans and I can tell you that even thought we are busy, we are constantly thinking about our significant ones…. no joke.
Spoken like a boss!
Thanks for speaking up for the med students. To that special person who is reading this post, hang on! <3
Yeah! I do! <3
Això no és veritat . Tenim que veure que el curs de Medicina es molt exigent i que tenim que gastar moltes hores estudiant e passant els temps concentrats en altres coses que no tenen cap relació amb els continguts de las assignaturas. Qui vol ententar una relació amb qualsevol persona és perquè l’estima molt i se és així , fins “deu minutets” en un dia san suficients per continuar la relació ! Auriem tots de ser mès flexibles uns amb els altres . Peace and Love !
Whew…I am not the only one dealing with med student dating issues, thanks for the support girls & boys
))
For almost 2 years I’m dating a 2nd year medical student, I’ve been with him through the application process, Year 1 and now Year 2..and I have to say that it IS difficult.
Luckily – to some extent – I am studying in a different city and I come home for the weekends only so usually I don’t feel that sad about not seeing him because I’m just not able to anyway.
However, I am now ending my THREE WEEK LONG winter holidays and during these 3 weeks I’ve seen him maybe 4 times? Not more. He has his Anatomy exams, right…so I have to be quiet and not complain. =_=
Ladies & gentlemen, dating a med student is very tiring and frustrating and it’s NOT for the dependent types! I am an independent woman and I still feel neglected sometimes. If you have issues with attention and etc. do NOT date a medical student, opt for an economy student instead
Haha…
No, no really…it’s not easy but it’s worth it…sometimes. I hope our relationship will survive all this shit.
I have been dating a guy for 3 years on and off, he has just started his 2nd year 2nd quarter of medical school. We have been friends for 5 years and started dating 2 weeks before we both graduated undergrad. We have never lived by each other and have taken a year off in between the 3 years to see if this is what we really wanted. We talk about marriage, kids we both believed we would get married. We love and respect each other, but recently he broke up with me. At first I did not understand and was very sad, thinking of myself and my feelings, but now i realize he is so stressed out and that is part of the explanation.
He is a very needy guy when he is not in school and during his winter break he wrote me an ultimatum saying that if I don’t move to where he was we should break up. At first I told him that I could not move and that we needed to break up. He then wrote me a letter saying he thought I was making a huge mistake and pleaded me to recognize our love. So I agreed and said I will move, you are right, I love you. Once I said that to him he freaked out and told me he was confused and wanted to break up. I was very hurt and I have been on a two week ride of an emotional roller coaster. He was always the one pushing me to move and once I said I would he does not want me to.. I just did not get it.
After two weeks of mini freak outs and lots of questions I realized that he is overwhelmed. I have never put pressure on him in this relationship and he is treating me like I was the one who gave him the ultimatum. I want to send him a care package with food/vitamins/etc. so that he can stay healthy through his schooling. They are all perfectionist and if he is not 1st he thinks he is last. I would include a note that says something along the lines of… I love you as a friend and am always here for you. I want you to succeed and have a clear head. I have no expectations but to be your friend like I have always been. Then I plan on leaving him alone for some time. Any thoughts if this is too much?
I don’t think he has had any time to process that he broke up with me and I don’t think that time will come until his spring break. It sucks for them, they have no time to stay in tune with their emotional self and my ex is a very emotional guy. I am worried for him and I love him, but I don’t think it is fair to push someone you love away bc you need to focus.
Dating a medical student is tough. I understand him (them) and their ability to shut everything off bc i do the same thing with work, which is why my ex loved me, but I wish they knew that opening up to someone and loving them does not mean sacrifice at school.
My friends think I am crazy for sending anything after he broke up with me, but I just want to support him even if he is not my bf.
My cousin has been in a similar situation for years, she is married now and he is a surgeon, but she says it is really difficult if you don’t have your own life.
I appreciate all of the stories, it makes me feel like Im not going crazy.
Wow, I am glad everyone is feeling better, I am still scarred to death! My boyfriend and I have been dating long distance for 2 years. I am divorced and have a 6 year old son. My boyfriend is well established in a career in another field, and in his 30′s. Needless to say this “hey, I want to quit my job and go to med school” hit me like a ton of bricks. I LOVE this man. He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He is moving 4 hours away from his town to go to medical school in my city. That is great, and it gives me a lot of hope, but I am scared to death. I have been through a lot in dealing with my divorce ( which was not my choice, and broke my whole world apart), and being a single mom with a full time job, and being a student myself. I met this great guy and my life started looking up. I picutred myself being able to have a family again, and having someone for my son to look up to, and someone I knew would always have my back. I want him to be happy and if medical school is going to give him that then I want to support him. Part of me is scared to death that I will get my heart broken, that the schedule will be too hard on me, and my son (who is crazy about my boyfriend). Another issue is the whole residency deal. If it was just me, I would follow this man anywhere, but it is not. I have a son to think about. That scares me. I know it is not the end of the world if a child moves but it will put him further away from his biological father. I know that he will see his dad if we move and that this can be worked out but as a child I never ever moved (not once, and my parents are still married 29 years and counting) so anything in dealing with custody or visitation , or moving totally freak me out!!!!!!!!! One thing that is good I think is that we are used to not seeing each other, we have never lived in the same city so maybe that is a good thing but…. HELP, ANY ADVICE???????????
This blog was really helpful and encouraging. My boyfriend is in his first semester of med school in Sydney Aus. He moved from Canada to Aus, and I will hopefully be joining him in a few months. (assuming the lifestyle adjustment and long distance doesn’t ruin us) I have just recently made the mistake of sending him an angry letter demanding more from him emotionally. However after talking to him and reading this I wish I could take it back. I want to be a support for him and believe we will be ok but it is just sooo difficult to stay positive with people telling you med students break it off with their partner when they graduate. Dating a med student is really hard, almost overwhelmingly so. Does anyone have any advice on how maintain “relationship”, like the emotional aspect while he is so removed for his studies?
I’ve known my g/f for 2 years. We dated/hung out the summer before she started Med School and stopped b/c a long distance relationship wasn’t what she wanted before starting Med School. She is in her 3rd year and undergoing rotations around the US. We reconnected this past December during her break. We’ve been in long distance relationship for a couple of months now. We spoke daily for hours during her first rotation. She mentioned that we needed to cut down on talking/txting, etc and I agreed but its hard adjusting. She started a new rotation and we don’t speak often. We have gone days without talking and our conversations have gotten shorter.
Reading your posts has grounded me and given me hope. All of us who have commented are not in a typical relationship. I’m glad to know there is a support out there that through our stories, we can help support one another. Thank you all and good luck in this journey
Hey Everyone! im dating a med student too, hes actually in his 2nd and got accepted to USC.Thank God he didnt get accepted out of state. I love being in a relationship wit him but i feel ttat he never has time for me and i just found out that he wont be able to spend my birthday with me because he has a big test coming up.Im feeling very depressed and i feel like im waisting my time with him. We talked about getting engaged but i dnt tink hes ready but i dnt understand y, nothing is really going to change. Wat do you guys think? does he jus want me by his side to show him support and then break up wit me when hes done with the medical process?
Hey everyone… I SO wish I would have researched this earlier – this blog post is so informative and so true. The only thing is: reading about it is nothing like living it. My bf and I have been dating for over 10 months and not only is he in his 3rd year of med school, but he’s also in the military. Before we made it official, and since, I’d focused more research on the military portion of his career because I figured it would be the hardest… and then the 5-week board study period came. He definitely told me from the beginning that it would be difficult, but when you’re on the high of meeting an amazing, driven, man who shares so many of your values, you think you can do anything.
So anyway, I assumed 3rd year had to be easier than 2nd year cuz it’s the fun hospital stuff. But this blog has helped me realize that he’ll have even less time because not only will he be working all day, he’ll be studying for the rest of the time he’s awake. The only thing that’s helping me, is like the med student said above, he told me that I underestimate the amount that he thinks about me. Also, like someone said above, communication is the key. Guys and girls already speak different languages and med school provides the worst environment to actually grow a relationship.
So we’re gonna try and get some “counseling” of sorts. We’ve asked an unbiased 3rd party to try and translate so we can make sure that we’re still compatible. Emotions are so high and he admitted that he has trouble being a good bf cuz after studying for 13 hours straight he has no energy for anything else. And “being understanding” sounds good in theory, but I’m still learning how to put that into action while still being fair to myself: It’s not just about keeping busy because I work 60 hrs/week and I’m in school, but that makes me wanna talk to him more. I honestly believe that women are just better hustlers than men!
Anyway, he’s not planning to just use the military to put him thru school… he’s in it for the long haul and plans to TRAVEL. So we’ll see how it goes. I’ve realized I can only take it 1 day at a time and def. gotta rearrange my expectations (but I’m never gonna be ok with not talking for 4 weeks!). Good luck everyone!
I googled “support group for dating Med studnets” and found this blog! And wow, I’m so glad I did.
My boyfriend of 1 year finally got accepted (after a few years of trying) into medical school. About a week ago he flew to the Carribean to live and study medicine. I honestly have no clue what I’m getting myself into by dating a med student. I’m scared. Worried. Nervous. Anxious. But my happiness for him achieving him dream dwarfs all of those other emotions.
Today is his second day of classes so we’ve gotten to talk plenty since he’s been gone. I’m just going to take it day by day and pray we make it through.
There really should be a support forum/website for individuals dating Med students, though
This blog looks like a great support system for significant others of med students. I’ve been dating a med student for the past two years; he’s currently in his fourth year, and I just graduated from a master’s program in English. I’m really anxious and nervous because he’s currently undergoing the interview process for residencies, and I have no idea where he’ll end up next year, nor am I certain where our relationship is headed. We’re so compatible; our backgrounds and personalities are so similar it’s ridiculous.
That being said, my BF is very emotionally stunted, despite his brilliance and capabilities pertaining to the medical field. I feel neglected and hurt a lot of times, not just because I know I’m not the # 1 priority in his life–school is, as it should be–but also because he tends to be selfish and compartmentalizes his life. It’s always about what conveniences him, and I’ve made much effort to cater to his needs and wants; inconveniencing myself and my family many a time to make his life easier. I do these things for him because I want him to know I support him and I know how much pressure and stress he’s under, but I feel like he takes me for granted a lot of the time.
I’ve also never met his family nor his friends; his family live only an hour away and visit him every other month. His med school is in my town, he lives only fifteen minutes away from me, and I get to see him only once every two weeks. I don’t mind sharing him with others, but I feel he should include me more in his life, especially since I’m always the one ingratiating myself for his benefit, and have made the effort to include him in social functions with my family and friends.
This isn’t to say that he doesn’t contribute to the relationship. We have a very traditional dating routine: he picks me up, pays for dinner, and calls me at least every other day, and we have genuine conversations and he is supportive and caring. But I feel that after investing two years of my time and effort in a relationship, that I should know where it is headed. I have tried to keep silent about it because I don’t want to pressure him. He claims the reason why he’s never introduced me to his family is because he doesn’t want the additional pressure in his life, as med school is overwhelming enough. Yet I feel increasingly insecure and uncertain as I listen to him talk about his residency options–all out of state–and he even told me he hasn’t “made any specific plans” concerning his future.
What makes me even more worried is that I know that his previous relationship ended because he graduated college. I’m afraid history will repeat itself after he graduates med school. I don’t want to be just another girl he left behind. But at the same time, I care about him and want our relationship to continue. I want total commitment from him, but I am waiting for him to bring up the subject to set us both straight. Am I foolish for remaining with him and being hopeful?
This website was great. Its soo good to see that im not the only one out there dealing with this. I have been with my boyfriend who is in his firset semester of third year for almost 2 years.
I want to bring up whats going to happen next year with interviews and preparing for residency. I hear too many times of people breaking up right before residency and I want to address the issue. He has broughten up where he is looking some programs close by others definately not.
When is a good time to bring up what he is going to do residency with me? and how do you bring that up?
Well to be honest, the best time to bring up residency is when he was applying, and then to continue to talk about it while he interviews. Now is late in the application cycle for him to add more places. My (now) husband and I were both involved in the decisions that needed to be made–the places he applied were places that I was willing to relocate to.
When he made his match list, location was a major consideration, but he didn’t even list one program in the state because he hated it so much, so obviously there has to be consideration given to whether or not he will feel comfortable where he ends up.
He matched to his #1 choice, in the city that I am from, so we didn’t have to move. But he did not match into a competitive specialty or program, so he had an easier process than most. We were pretty lucky.
This is something you need to bring up and just ask him what his plans are. Otherwise, you will never know.
Oh my goodness…this has been so helpful for me! I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 years and he will be going into Med. school SOON. I was really worried about how much time we would have together. We plan on marrying before it gets too crazy in Med school. (Like before he gets in or the first summer) Anyways, this has helped me so much! I was terrified of what I was getting myself into. Thanks for this blog! I feel really confident about my relationship and I’m ready for anything. (Hopefully.)
I have a question, everyone on this page appears to be talking about what its like to be dating a person in med school and also not living with the person.
i guess my question is, if you live with a med student, or are married to a med student how much time do you really see them? are they home every night? are they studying for hours on end?
My boyfriend and i have been together for awhile and we live together, he is going to be applying to med school and i guess i just want to find out some info before we get even more serious. i want to know what im getting myself into.
:0) this site has totally helped with all my anxieties i hate how people judge your relationships and ask why they never see the two of you out anymore together and the constantly questioning your relationships lol. ive been with my boyfriend for about 7 years so far of course had many twists and turns and the distance from school was of no help lol. i know the feeling of feeling alone, but i truely know that if he could he would be with me. i laughed at the “appreciate the 3a.m. texts and min phone calls” you dont know how true that really is. its amazing how they are during the school months then they are during breaks lol. i love him more than life and this distance is actually making us see how important we really are to each other and how much we used to take each other for granted.. i just see it as he has his goals and now is the time for me to go for mine. i did forget about myself as i was always waiting for him to get free time and scheduling my work around his but i need to know that i shouldn’t feel guilty going out and exploring life the way i want to also. so here goes nothing i wish everyone the best of luck with everything and dont forget to live your life to fullest also !!!!
hey everybody! my bf is going to medschool next month and I am beginning to anticipate the anxiety and stress of the big move. He will be about 4 hours away so we have the difficulty of both long distance and medschool. I have read this long list of posts and do find it comforting that others are going through similar situations.
i am just hoping for some advice or emotional support i guess. i get very upset at the thought of this distance between us but i know it is a necessary test and that if we can make it through, we will be okay. i know i will need to be patient and understanding during this time and that will be difficult but i am willing to try or i wouldn’t be staying with him through this.
i guess the hardest part is knowing the hardest part has yet to come (if that makes sense). i just hope i can be strong for him and still manage to have fun and enjoy myself as well. i welcome any supportive words or advice. good luck to everyone!
Hi,
This is all new to me and I really could use some advice/survival tips
I’ve been dating a Chinese woman I met online. She was in her 4th yr of med school when we met in March. We really clicked and hit it off right from the start. She asked me to attend her graduation and I did.
So for the last 4 mos we’ve been dating and have become much closer
3rd month into the relationship she wanted me to meet her parents.
They are from China (They speak no English) but they like me and I think they are great.
She just started her residency at the end of June.
We talk daily via email and/or phone.
And, currently, see ea. other at least 1x a week.
She does make time for me although lately our dates seem a little rushed.
I will never complain to her because I know she’s dealing w/a lot right now.
Not only the Residency but her parents are with her for 6 mos. That’s stressful enough. They go back to China in Sept.
Prior to her residency we spoke about me moving closer to her (She lives about 50mi away) and I agreed that we live too far apart and that I would look for a place that is closer.
I am moving at the end of July.
Actually I found a place near the hospital where she is doing her residency. She is a D.O. residency is 3yrs.
I told her I found a place closer to her house and she said yea and it’s closer to the hospital too
hmmmm….
Anyway I’m in love w/her but haven’t told her yet.
I will soon.
I have a feeling she feels the same, if not she’s probably close
Does it really get batter after residency.? She also has to entertain her parents on the weekends as well so I think after they go back to China things will calm down a bit at home for her too.
I can’t be too upset she really does make an effort to talk everyday and make at least some time on the weekends. So I am going by her actions as an indication of how she feels about us.
Thoughts anyone?
Things will be hard. If you love her, stick with it.
I’m an experienced ICU RN (also in NP school) dating a Medical Student. It’s hard—feels like a turf battle a lot—feels like he doesn’t give credit to my years of experience in patient care, hospital administration, and now my training as an advanced clinician. But alas, I love him—so I must make it work.
Your situation may be trickier—cultural barriers—Learn Chinese, lol. But seriously. If you love her, lay your cards on the table. But examine the reasons you want to be with her.
Never assume. If you’re not sure about how she feels, ask her.
Does it get better after residency? Yes and No. What specialty is she going in to? Residencies vary in length and difficulty.
The reasons I want to be with her have nothing to do with her being a Doctor.
They are more personal reasons. i..e she’s a really sweet person. I like her alot. She has a great sense of humor, is very kind. We “click”. She’s smart and beautiful..etc.
She’s doing and Internal Med residency 3yrs. Don’t know if she’s going to specialize. She mentioned her “shelf life” being short because she’s already 38 years old. So she may just stay in internal med. Although she mentioned Orthopedic Surgery. But I truly don’t know. I don’t think she quite knows either. I am assuming Ortho Surg would be another 7 +/- years?
I’ve been dating the same medical school student on and off for years. He comes in and out of my life constantly. Every time we end and I meet someone else he comes back in, he makes it impossible for me to move on. I know he loves me though, I can feel it in my bones every time I am with him. I truly believe that my patience (3+ years) has made it possible to stay constant in each others lives.
We don’t get to talk or see each other as often as I’d like but I would do just about anything in the world for him so I am left with no other option but to be patient. I always wonder if I am doing the right thing though… Waiting for someone when I could just potentially meet someone else. I don’t give anyone else a chance and he always comes first, but with his life sometimes I’m 2nd, 3rd, or 4th.
He tells me that if he gets a residency in the city in which I live in (where he originates from) that he will propose. God I hope he is being sincere. Sometimes its hard for me to believe him because he won’t call when he says he will or sometimes when he is in town and could spend time with me he chooses to hang out with his friends instead. I’m glad I got to this blog though, it made me feel a little. It’s usually so hard.
I’m terrified of Match Day………
Ok as a person married to someone entering med school this is what my plan is (and maybe this will help someone else)We should love deeply, loyally, and completely but we should never forget to live our lives for ourselves. You only get one, make it count and squeeze every drop of happiness you can out of it. We are the only ones who can live our lives. Don’t live it in a shadow, live it in the sun. I know so many people who have lost themselves because they are too busy molding their lives around other so we just have to be sure we are being true to ourselves as well as our partners.
Hey everybody,
First of all, I hope this blog will stay online forever! Helped me tremendously, this is like a support group. Before stumbling on here, i was about to make a website/forum for the exact same purpose.
I started dating my gf during her first year undergrad and we hit it off instantly, coming from many short term relationships, my relationship by far has been and hopefully will be the longest. She started med school in January of this year and oh boy, it was tough since day one!
We went from seeing each other everyday or every other day for 4 years to at most once every other week when med school started. I was always independent but when her schedule got more hectic, i started sitting around and always making sure i am free just so i can see her as soon as she said she’s free.
Well, six months later, i am now no longer waiting around for that moment because i was letting myself down and hoping for too much (the assumptions started and i was starting to feel depressed, mainly because i felt like i no longer have a gf). I am now taking care of myself more. I tried to look at the brighter side of things, seeing her less means i can save more! lol I am getting back in shape so when she does see me, she can’t “resist”.
Things changed that i have noticed so far: less caring, less talkative, most conversations will turn into a fight…all of this are from stress, stress and more stress so my only advice is: think of the good times and support them, there’s a reason why they’re acting like that (school, family, financial). Don’t think it’s you, it’s not always about you!
DO NOT take everything they do or say personal because they are under a MASSIVE amount of stress. Listen with one ear and out the other but at the same time, do care! They need the mental support a lot more than you do.
I will come back and check up from time to time…maybe an update. Goodluck everybody! We all can get through this together.
This was GREAT to hear. I was hoping for most posts from guys, as it seems that most of the posts are from girls. I am very worried as I started dating a girl about 6 months ago when she was waiting for her acceptance to med school. Originally she was wait listed in Madison where we both live, and it looked like she would be moving to PA. I am awed at how everyone can make the distance work, becuase that seems to add a whole new twist to dating a med student. However, I am relieved to hear that the things I am experiencing are normal as she is in her first week of med school and i already feel nearly cut off. But I know we both love each other deeply and i feel we have what it takes to get through this. Her dad patted me on the back as we were moving her in and said good luck, she’s perfectionistic and she is going to be real hard on herself and she gets pretty testy during school, and proceeded to say he didn’t envy me. Ha ha, what a send off right? But it seems like with the right care, attention, and love, that it can totally work. This post has been incredibly refreshing. Thank you, and I would love to talk some more if you get a chance. bryantprzybilla@gmail.com
i’m so glad to have found this post. i too am dating a medical student, who is in his 4th year, doing rotations. also we’re doing long distance and have been for 3 yrs as we complete our programs. i am also a graduate student in the sciences so i am busy with my own work, but i must say, the combination of the distance and stress from medical school has taken a toll on our relationship. i don’t know if it is due to my own personal issues or the fact that we are both students. i do know that i am emotionally needy but i feel that i have done a lot to be accommodating. i am worried that it won’t ever get better and that once he starts residency it will be even worse. he constantly berates me for not paying attention to him when we talk on the phone but usually i’m just tired from the day. i often get the feeling he is grasping for straws and barely making through his courses because he says he has so much work to do. my graduate work suffers because i am isolated from my peers having spent weekends out of town so much. good luck to everyone else in this situation, i hope we can get through it together.
I too am grateful to have found this post….
I’ve been dating my bf for 1 year. I’ve been there through the application process, acceptance and now beginning of his first year of med school. We dated long distance for our first year which difficult in itself. Now that he is closer to home, I’m more involved with his family and providing him support through med school. I’m finding myself tiptoeing around supporting him because i don’t want his parents to feel like I’m taking their place. We’ve talked about marriage and are ready to get married – we just need to schedule around his school and military obligations. So clearly we are beginning to rely more on each other. Does anyone here find it to be almost a competition with their parents to support them during this medical school journey? and how do you avoid this?
Wow, this is all so helpful to read. I have been dating this guy since the beginning of July. When we met he was in the OR and somehow was able to text me every day. Sometimes I’d get a phone call! Beginning of August, he was transferred to the ER in a new hospital (still very local though.) When he was transferred, the communication really slowed down. We went a week without anything, which made me start thinking that he wasn’t interested anymore. The past 2 weeks, we’ve only texted when I initiated it. All of my friends are giving me the “he’s just not that into you” talk. Telling me to step back and let go, which I don’t want to do. Because of his schedule, it’s so hard to tell where we stand…especially since we’ve only been dating about 7 weeks. But judging from what all of you have said, this seems to be the norm when it comes to dating med students.
Any thoughts on how I can be there for him, and still get him to understand that I have needs too? Even just a text to say good morning and goodnight would be amazing and make me smile.
Wow we are on the same page.. I just started dating a MS as of 8/8/2011 he is currently in his residency( almost over) in my city. We click well, he’s so amazing and he’s dedication to his carrer intrigues me! He makes such a effort to to spend time, tho’ we have gone about 3 days with no communication and it was due to his studies.. Well I do sence that he is emotionally unavailable in ways beacuse it’s seems hard for him to express how he feels verbally.. I don’t know if this is due to his focus of his career and he is also apply and already going on interviews for his fellowship.. He’s all actions, he makes time, wants to meet my family( I have a toddler), calls once or twice a day ect and even motivates me to further my career( he gave me a book that he thought would be helpful). Still over all I can see how it may be hard to date a MS, just got to be patient and hope for the best
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I just ended a super emotional call with my boyfriend who just started med school this fall – this forum is a godsend. It’s comforting and terrifying, and also made me feel TERRIBLE. I have been so selfish.
We’ve been together for a year and a half, ups and downs. He’s been there for me so much in the past and I am struggling to figure out why I am taking his move so hard. We lived together for almost a year, so we spent a lot of time together and in general really enjoyed each other’s company.
I am trying to live my own life, but I am fairly new to the city I’m in, don’t have a lot of friends, and the nature of my job means a very small office (like 2 other people). I feel lonely I guess. Like half of me is gone.
Reading through these comments was incredibly inspirational – to see all of the men and women who have pursued their own lives but at the same time been incredible sources of support to their loved ones. I realize how demanding I have been. He is exhausted every day but excited, and to have to deal with a sad phone call from me …
I would really, really appreciate any advice on coping with this better. We might go to the med school therapist together as a couple but otherwise … I just want to know what to expect. What gets me is how daunting this is, that I’ve signed up for 8-10 years of a ghost boyfriend. When and what is “Match Day” exactly? Do med students really have little choice about where they end up? What can I fairly and legitimately expect from him as my bf? Thank you.
Just want you to know you’re not alone. I guess at this point I’m just adding to the chorus, but I just started a job in a new city with no friends– my bf is only 50 mins away, but it’s his 2nd week of med school and I was not expecting the sudden emotional distance between us. I think I only have one choice, and that is to find something that I’m really passionate about to pursue. That may mean going back to school, volunteering, anything!
The danger is letting this tough situation change how you feel about yourself. Over the past few weeks I’ve felt needy, ignorant, and unloved– I have terrible self esteem right now! But I also know that this isn’t the real me, and that I’ll get stronger if I believe in myself. I need to find my own “med school” so to speak, so that our emotional needs match each others. Emotional, crazy me doesn’t fit into my bf’s schedule, but perfect happy me does. If you can make your on life meaningful and busy, I feel like everything will fall into place. I really hope this works out for the both of us!! I know what it feels like to love someone so much that you feel trapped!
Match Day is when they get set up with the hospital where they will complete their residency. It’s after medical school and after rotations but before residency. They do have some sort of say but not as much as I personally would like. In my case, my boyfriend specialized in ER and where I live (he says) there may not be that many ER openings. So basically if he gets matched here I would say we have a chance and if he doesn’t I don’t really know what’s going to happen. We’ve had a lot more downs then ups lately. He’s thinking about changing his specialty to something more broad so he has more of a chance but really – who knows? That’s why I hate Match Day.
This blog is really helpful i’ve been dating my BF for the last year, he’s in his final year of med school….it gets so stressful sometimes i feel like i want to scream…but we really do love each other and I hope that it works out. The aspect of time management is key…you have to somehow find a balance between studies and your relationship…you also have to give them the freedom to have their own lives separate and apart from you. My advice to anyone would be:
1. expect 5min conversations
2. they don’t always want to discuss their day…it’s filled with pain and suffering
3. when exam time comes around they disappear
4. sometimes you may forget that you are in a relationshsip
Love will always find away though, no matter what the profession : )
This blog makes me feel a whole lot better. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 years and 9 months now. As of now, he’s a first year med student out of the country. It’s so sad and lonely being without him because I’m so used to seeing him all the time. This long distance relationship is very hard but I’m getting adjust to it. I get to talk to him on the phone for about 15-30 minutes every other night and just chat with him online every now and then while he’s taking a break from studying. I do agree with everyone above. Dating a medical student is not easy at all. It takes so much patience, confidence, and sacrifices but when you truly love someone, you’ll be willing to do anything.
I really have enjoyed reading everyone’s experiences and advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. He is in his second year of med school and has really been feeling the stress. I am extremely supportive, enjoy hearing about his day, and understand that I should cherish any minute I have with him.
The problem is, is that we have talked about in the past moving to the location where he will be completing his 3rd and 4th yr together, he transfers there to finish his MD. All of the plans were in the works, we really saw each other spending our lives together. Past few weeks he has been more distant than usual and has confronted me that he feels like he is growing apart from me and that he has trouble talking to me about his day and wonders if he should maybe date someone that is in the medical field who understand the lingo more, that me not being in the medical field has created a gap between us. Should I take these doubts seriously? Or do you think it is stress related to school?
I truly love my boyfriend and would do anything for him. I want to marry him in the future. I know a few months ago he felt the same way, and just wonder if I should take what he is saying as the truth and start preparing for worst case scenario or hold out for hope that maybe he is really stressed and just going through the motions.
Please voice in your thoughts. I would truly appreciate it.
I think a lot of it is stress. I can’t tell you how many times my bf has pulled away and been distant and I assumed he was questioning our relationship, only to see him and have him explain to me that he is just extremely stressed and depressed about how busy he is and how little he can be in my life right now.
That’s just my take on things, beleive me, I know its not easy and its really easy to get discouraged, but if it’s meant to be then it will work out! Hold out if you think he is worth it, and think, if you guys can get through this huge hurdle, imagine what else you can get through!
Thanks, MY PARTNER AND I loved an individual’s publish hugely. It is actually excellent to see a professional crafting an issue valued at reading through.
Wow I cant even begin to say how awesome it is that I stumbled upon this. Knowing other people are thinking the same thoughts as me, worrying about the same worries. Kinda takes a bit of a load off my shoulders. My boyfriend and I have been dating for roughly… one year 4 months and he is starting his final semester before beginning his clinical rotations this coming september. So we still have another 2 years and a bit before we’re even at residency. To top it all off we’re both from Canada but hes at St. Georges University in Grenada. Yeah. Thats right. The CARIBBEAN. And strangely enough our relationship is as strong as ever. Ive seen him during Christmas and past summer breaks, and we basically skype every single minute we can (even when he studies). Im finishing up my Undergraduate (4 months to go!) and after that its work work work. A lot of my friends have asked me how I put up with it but honestly it doesnt even fase me. I mean yeah of course I miss him terribly, but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind about him and I know he feels the same way about me. Im not really sure whats going to happen after September. Clinical rotations will have him bouncing around the states a bit, but I’m hoping that bringing in money and being able to travel to him without the restrictions of being a poor student should maybe even make it easier. Although as it is I can spend most of my day with him on skype. Soon I’ll be working 8-4 and who knows when he’ll be done his day. I’m scared but I’m willing to try.
Here I am thinking 200 miles is horrible and your guy is not even in driving distance! Very good to know you guys are making it work though, and I think even when you start working, considering how strong your relationship is, you guys will be just fine!
I just came across your post and let me tell you it made me feel so much better. My boyfriend just started med school in the Caribbean as well–at the American University of Antigua! I’ve seen so many posts with people saying it won’t work out because they have no time for each other, but your post just made me have hope that it can work out especially with our type of distance! I’ve been trying to understand his situation, it gets difficult sometimes & he’s only been gone for a month!!…but does it get easier? how do you guys make it work? i am looking for any advice i can get! i am a recent college graduate so i don’t have the money to fly down there and visit him as well! if you could offer any advice i would GREATLY appreciate it!
This forum is amazing! I have been dating a 2yr med student for about 8 months now. He lives about 200 miles away (3 hour drive roughly) and it has been pretty difficult lately. I always hear that 2nd year is the worst and I am really hoping that it gets better. I mostly feel bad for him hating his life and being miserable needing to study all the time. There is only so much you can say when someone is so depressed and on edge all the time. I think that is the most difficult part of our relationship. I am done with school and work a pretty low stress 9-5 job so I feel like I have so much free time and wish I could somehow give some of that to him!
I met him on the tail end of his first year, and we saw eachother pretty much every weekend and took turns driving back and forth. Now, he can’t really spare ANY extra time to drive down here to see me, so I do all of the driving. Usually every other weekend or so, I try to drive up, even if I spend most of my time sitting quietly with him while he studies, and he can only take minimal breaks, I am glad he is willing to let me come over and spend time with him. I also have a best friend that lives up north where he goes to school, so most weekends I can give him lots of study time and hang out with my friend, not feeling like I am driving up JUST to spend a few precious hours with him.
I am already mentally prepared for the next few months with his boards coming up and all that. As scary as this whole situation has been, he is an amazing guy, I can’t imagine my life without him. We are compatible in so many ways and I could not let all of that go just because of his schedule. I don’t think it would be fair to either of us.
As far as moving closer to him, right now that is not an option, with the economy the way it is I am really fortunate to have a well-paying and secure job, especially since I just got my Masters and am just starting out. I am hoping in the next few years my experience at this job will hopefully help me be able to move anywhere life takes him, of course allowing that this relationship works out!
I definitely agree with everyone about you having to be an independent person for something like this to work out, there is absolutely no way a needy person could survive such a difficult relationship. Thankfully I have a great support system and group of friends, I’d be pretty lost without them!
Good luck to everyone and keep the stories coming. Reading this truly made my day!
hi everyone, i feel sad, hurt, upset and i dont know where to turn or what my next step should be. im dating a med student whos in his 30′s and im in my 20s! so he has his reservations with my age and maturity, we’ve never met but we chat, see how it goes. but recently there has been no contact for 2 wks and hes doing his portfolio, he seemed streesed and indirectly told me he needs to concentrate on that and basically cant be chatting with me all the time now (chatting happened once a wk anyway). i contacted him once got a reply the netx day, but it was nothing special. i do love him but should i jump into conclusions, end it, or wait and see if he gets back after he’s finished whatever he needs to do. im very independant never needy but meeting him has brought the worst of all those things out in me! if he doesnt contact me in the next 2 wks should i leave silently :’( ? im lost
You haven’t even met him? I’d say he probably isn’t the right guy for you, a simple text or phone call that takes a few minutes isn’t impossible, even for the busiest person on earth :/
Okay so this is my first time blogging but I’m in DESPERATE need of advice and supportive listening. I have recently met my boyfriend and we have been dating for about 3 months now. My boyfriend is in his first year of cardiology in Phoenix and I am a behavioral health professional in the Phoenix area as well. While we started dating, things were a little rocky to begin with. We first met off of a dating web site so already we are starting off with the notion of “what if he/she doesn’t like me” or “how many people is the other person talking to” and the whole “are they into me or not”…it wasn’t the usual boy meets girl kind of story. When we first started talking to each other, we both kind of built this foundation of we are two people who genuinely have an interest in one another and we are two people with two BUSY lives….while he’s on call, I’m always at work…but we both agreed that when we do have the time for each other, we can spend it. My boyfriend did a fabulous job throughout our dating period of us spending time. When he wasn’t on call, we would hang out 3 times a week (that I consider pretty lucky for me). This week will be the first week that my boyfriend will be consecutively on call for 10 whole days. Earlier last week, right after Valentine’s day, I had contemplating some issues…mainly an issue that my boyfriend is a guy and can do foolish things at times….one of the issues was him initially inviting me to a wedding but then later on bought the ticket without even inviting me. It would have been nice to have had him ask me but he didn’t ask me again which kind of made me disappointed…okay pissed! I brought it up to him one night and being that we are the type of couple where we are very communicative about how we feel, we talked about it and then that’s when it delved into the whole issue of my boyfriend is so emotionally disconnected with me….my boyfriend trusts me and he plays the part of a boyfriend but he has these walls that he puts up…now, I never thought that this was about his emotional insecurities from his past relationships that affected how he saw our relationship but to put more weight onto the table, the fact that he’s so super busy also makes him even more emotionally unavailable. Here are the facts that I have came to realize and accept dating a medical student and a medical resident: they don’t have that much time, they are so focused and overwhelmed with work/studying for boards, and they cannot deal with anything else other than medicine. After talking to him for an hour and a half, I realized that I did not want to talk about it anymore because neither of us could deal with what was going on…it is what it is. According to him, I broke up with him becuase I used the words ” exhausted, fed up, and just plain done” with the whole situation…according to me, I never wanted to end things. We talked the next day and we both agreed that we do care about eachother and we compliment each other but he recognized and acknowledge that he has been a bad boyfriend so he said sorry to me. He is now questioning whether he is ready to be in a relationship which triggers my feelings of “oh my goodness, is he dumping me”…Personally speaking, I am the type of person that analyzes, over analyzes, and becomes over worried about relationships in particular this one. I have spent the past three days worrying whether our relationship was over or not because I didn’t hear from him in three days since our last talk. I actually made the first move yesterday and sent him a text message and made the move of asking him if he wanted to hang out…I actually did get to see him last night to only go straight to bed with him. We never talked about what our issues were and just pretty much zipped it. I am at a loss right now because maybe it’s the simple fact that my boyfriend is just absolutely 200% busy with residency that he does not have time to deal with this and that maybe he does want to work things out…I’m hoping he is the kind of guy that will say what’s on his mind and that if it was truly over then he would have said it to me last night…but he’s just so super busy…reading this blog opened up another insight and has made me feel a little better because maybe the fact that I have not heard from him in three days and he didn’t make the initial move to send me a text or something is probably the reason that he is just so busy with residency…I don’t have that many girlfriends to share my feelings with so anything you guys can tell me would really help me feel a little better…maybe I just need to vent this out on a blog rather than have this discussion with him
This is the only website where I’ve been given a glimmer of hope. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months and he’s taking his MCAT’s in a month. Oh, did I mention he lives 20 hours away? He’s done a fantastic job of trying to text, call, or Skype me as much as he can while he’s getting ready to take his test. There are times we have little arguments, mostly because we are both frustrated about not being able to see each other. There are some things that words are just not enough for, ya know?
I’m in college now and he’s talked about coming all the way from Kansas back to Virginia (he used to live here) to come to med school so he can be with me. At first, I objected to this because I figured he’d want to stay in Kansas where his family is and everything, but according to him, “It’s all a doctor in the end.” I honestly think he is considering coming here. He wants to become a Doctor of Osteopathic medicine and be a family physician.
I’ve search tons of websites to see what it will be like, to be with someone during med school, and possibly marry a doctor, and what I’ve read had honestly scared the living daylights out of me. I’m not “needy” per say, but if I’m in a relationship, I don’t like feeling alone… I don’t think anyone does. One plus side though is I’ll be busy with my schooling as well, so it’s not like I’ll be just sitting around staring at my phone waiting for him to call. But, it is pretty disappointing to see all these unhappy women blogging about how lonely they are and how being with a doctor is so difficult. “Love the man, hate the doctor”, right?
God as my witness knows I love Jared. I’m as supportive as I can possibly be from 20 hours away, and since he is so stressed out with his own path, I don’t bring this up to him in detail. I only have a few friends who are supportive and mature enough to understand what I’m going through and what I’m about to put myself through, but it’s not the same when they truly don’t understand how difficult it is at times. And from what I’ve read, it only gets worse from here.
I get the heaviest heart when I read comments on other websites saying, “If you aren’t married to a doctor yet, get out while you can.” Can a job really tear a couple apart that much?
I’m hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. I guess I just needed to put into words things I won’t lay on his shoulders. If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement, I’d greatly appreciate it. I’m just going to take this one day at a time and put my faith in the belief that everything happens for a reason; if something is meant to be, it will happen. I hope all of you ladies (or gentlemen) find the strength and courage to continue on. <3
I’ve just recently begun to date someone who is doing his residency, which i think is maybe crazier than being in undergrad at medical school. I come from a family of intense driven people, and I’m considered the “creative one” this is why we work, but he’s always upset that he can’t come to the park with me, or spend more time together, but I see that he makes an extra effort to stay in touch no matter what time of day it is. At first I used to be angry and thought of other guys who used to call late for a booty call, but now I am grateful that he is making an effort to stay in touch. I mean I think the world of this guy, and sometimes I try to think of myself in his shoes, and I feel for him. I’m willing to support him, and will be there for him because I like knowing that when we talk it makes him happy. It is not easy, trust me you have to be really secure within yourself to date this kind of person otherwise you’ll start assuming that he’s ignoring you or you did something wrong. It can be really isolating if you let it be that way. He usually just needs extra sleep and works really insane hours. I totally get it. If anything it can challenge you to grow, and to be a better person as well. If you are willing to not give up I believe both of you will be able to appreciate each other more in the end. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll know that you gave it your all and can move on as a better person. Good luck to all. <3
My bf and I have been dating for over a year now. I’m 22 years old and I am graduating this year with my BA in SW. He is 20 and will be graduating in about a year with his BA in Psyc… however, he has officially declared himself a pre med student, taking many extra classes to prepare himself for MCAT, and will start applying to Med schools all over the US next year. I am absolutly terrified. He’s so young, but he is an only child and his momma brought him up well so he acts older. He’s very smart. Is it worth it for me to stick this through? He tells me he won’t be ready for marriage for a loonnng time considering he has medschool to go through/residency. I tell him it’s not as easy as it sounds and being in this relationship will just be another stresser, but he tells me to trust him. Is it worth it? Should I trust him? What am I getting myself into?
I also am dating a medical student…long-distance! He is just finishing his first year and so far, we have become extremely close the past five months and I, too, have not felt neglected! We both are in school, and value each others goals in life…I’m so glad I found this post and noticed that people are still leaving comments.
I have started a blog about dating a medical student…and I’d like to start a facebook group…but don’t know the best way to find enough people to join the group…here’s my blog if anyone is interested!
http://medstudentgf.blogspot.com/
I would love to find other people who are dating medical students…and keep in touch with them somehow! Support is so important!
I feel great to know there are people out there with the same problem as me. This blog is inspiring and yet a reality shock for me. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years(since high school) and now he is getting closer and closer to med school and its growing more and more diffcult. I myself am in radiology program which is 2 years and pretty intense and i still find so much time for him. But he isnt even in med school and is staying up all nite studying and early morning(ive watched him). I dont mean to be selfish but i feel we are on two different level, im almost done with my program and he is just getting started . A part of me feels i may not be able to handle the neglect and especially being with him already for so long, i want. to start a life with him but he doesnt want to till he is aleast half way done with med school , i feel i atleast need some kind of commitment since i will be sacrificing or should i wait it out.
Any helpful advice